DVD Review: “30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Whatever you do, don't watch this video.

Article first published as DVD Review: 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on Blogcritics.

On July 7, 2000, Scary Movie ushered in a new breed of spoof movies. While it was a huge crowd pleaser, garnering $278 million worldwide, it still wasn’t up to par with the likes of the ZAZ crew of brothers David and Jerry Zucker and Jim Abrahams. Since the first Scary Movie, there has been a steady decline in quality. Not only did most critics hate Scary Movies 2, 3, and 4, we also had to suffer through the succession of movies brought to us by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck). Yes, the days of Airplane!, Top Secret!, The Naked Guns and Hot Shots! are truly over.

Now it seems that these films are being rightfully banished to the direct-to-video dump where they belong. After having already suffered through Supernatural Activity a mere two months ago, now an even worse offender has been wrought in the form of 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo from the same man who “treated” us to The 41-Year-Old-Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It. Trust me when I say that the films found within his titles are no more imaginative than that. Writer/director Craig Moss is running with the Seltzer/Friedberg template that string a bunch of movie/TV/commercial references together cobbled alongside fart, piss, and dick jokes, thinking he’s got himself the funniest movie you’ll ever see. I think not.

30 Nights begins with a Storage Wars episode spoof now called “Storage Battles,” wherein two sisters have just bought a storage unit for $75. Inside they find Adele (Melissa Fosse-Dunne) playing a piano and a VHS tape labeled “Found Footage.” The two sisters decide to watch the tape which consists of a documentary about Dana (Kathryn Fiore) who is off to visit her father Herb (French Stewart), who’s been locked up in the world’s best psychiatric hospital located in Italy where the nurses include Mario and Luigi. Herb has been locked away after being possessed and killing the entire cast of The Artist back in 1989. (See what kind of logic Moss thinks is funny?)

Dana moves on with her life and gets married on the Bachelor to Aaron (Flip Schultz), who has a kid of his own, Liz (Olivia Alexander). While Dana and Aaron have a kid of their own, Liz grows up to be a lesbian goth covered in piercings with a penchant for tattoos, posting selfshot nude pics online, spying on her wood chopping Abe Lincoln (Ben Morrison) neighbor, who takes date rape advice from their gay housekeeper Felipe (Arturo del Puerto) to heart. Meanwhile, Dana and Aaron come to the conclusion their house is haunted and call in the “Ghost Brothers” for help. But there’s not just bumps in the night; Dana also becomes possessed and stands next to the bed filming Aaron getting blowjobs from the family dog. Now it’s time to break out the big guns and call in an exorcist (Danny Woodburn) to cleanse the house and save the family.

Thank Jeebus we have Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg doing these films right with Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Even Scary Movie 3 and 4 or Superhero Movie show more wit and provide actual laughs than anything found here. At the end of the film, one of the “Storage” sisters calls the video they just watched (i.e. the entire movie), “the biggest piece of crap video” she’s ever seen. And I’d have to agree. Just because you can make a movie, doesn’t mean you should. Sorry Moss, there’s nothing here that warrants even so much as a rental unless you want to stare at your screen for 75 minutes (not counting end credits) waiting to even so much as smirk. Some other jokes Moss thinks are funny: having a Steve Jobs lookalike holed up in Liz’s room, and a woman dressed as a redneck man from a security company called “Kaulk and Busch” who makes sexual advances on both Dana and Aaron. Not to mention the movie’s inciting incident doesn’t even make sense. When you spend more time pondering how the characters keep referencing The Artist from 1989 when it just came out last year, you’ve got yourself some bigger issues.

The video quality is about what you’d expect from DVD. It’s anamorphic and has an aspect ratio of 1.78 with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound. The rear speakers rarely come into use, aside from one scene where the baby has a party in the house resulting in a neighbor being tasered. The only special features are a Blu-ray vanity reel, a “Behind the Scenes” featurette, and some “Sneak Peeks” for other, and far better, Fox releases such as The League and the Duplass Brothers’ The Do-Deca-Pentatholon. Skip the teaser for Wrong Turn 5. So as maligned we may be about the two spoof movies coming soon via Hollywood – A Haunted House opens this weekend and Scary Movie 5 is set for April – I can only imagine that those will seem like comedic masterpieces compared to what’s thrown at viewers during the entire runtime of 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is available now, so don’t even bother with this one.

Cover art and photos courtesy 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Movie Review: “The Impossible”

One of the best films of 2012. Keep your tissues handy.

***** out of 5

114 minutes

Rated PG-13 for intense realistic disaster sequences, including disturbing injury images and brief nudity

Summit Entertainment

Article first published as Movie Review: The Impossible on Blogcritics.

Every year, at least one film is out to make you use up a whole box of tissues. Last year it was The Help, even though it didn’t actually earn any of them. This year’s hankie-film comes from the least expected — director J.A. Bayona and writer Sergio G. Sánchez, the duo behind one of the best horror films in years, The Orphanage. If ever a horror movie could make you get a case of the sniffles before the closing credits, it’s that one. So when you consider their new film, The Impossible, focuses on one family’s devastating story after the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami which killed over 230,000 people, make sure you have the tissues handy. This is the true story of one family’s survival.

On December 24, 2004, Maria and Henry Bennett (Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor) arrive at the Orchid Beach Resort in Thailand with their three children — Lucas (Tom Holland), Thomas (Samuel Joslin), and Simon (Oaklee Pendergast). Snorkeling, playing in the sand, and relaxing by the pool are the name of the game for the Bennett’s until Dec. 26, when a tsunami engulfs the mainland turning the once serene beaches into pure devastation. Maria is swept away to find herself alone, hugging a tree. Spotting Lucas, the two struggle amidst the swirling water to find safety, even saving a toddler named Daniel (Johan Sundberg) along the way.

Maria, Lucas, and Daniel take refuge in a tree until some inland survivors find them and haul them away to a hospital with Maria on the brink of death. Henry finds himself alone and separated from Thomas and Simon whom he was with when the tsunami struck. Finding his way back to the hotel, he finds his boys safely at the hotel. Now Henry sends them off to safety but stays behind to find his lost wife and son. Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Lucas is dealing with his dying mother and keeps his cool by writing down survivor’s names, trying to help reunite family members amidst the chaos.

Bayona and Sánchez have crafted a doozey of epic proportions. From the opening shot, Bayona makes sure the ocean feels as ominous as possible for the first time since Jaws. And this is without the help of any music. Nothing adds to movie misery like a wound, and here we get the worst film injury I’ve seen since The Descent. While not overly graphic, it definitely results in giving your gag reflex a good workout. Another scene involving Maria coughing up something bloody and wet is reminiscent of a scene with Watts in The Ring and may make you think twice if you were considering making this a dinner and show type outing.

Yes, Bayona can’t help but resort to a few tried and true filmmaking gimmicks, but he’s also made sure we’re thoroughly invested in the family first and knows when to quit. Along with the masterful direction, the cast is superb with Watts and McGregor pulling no punches, and young Holland gives a true breakout performance surely finding him many roles to come. People may have thought Clint Eastwood’s tsunami in the beginning of Hereafter was jaw dropping, but audiences ain’t seen nothing yet. So while some films just like to simply put you through the wringer, The Impossible just may be the wringer and is one of the best films of 2012.

Photos courtesy Summit Entertainment

Movie Review: “Django Unchained”

Flat-out one of the year's best films.

***** out of 5

165 minutes

Rated R for strong graphic violence throughout, a vicious fight, language and some nudity

The Weinstein Company

Article first published as Movie Review: Django Unchained on Blogcritics.

There may be a lot of fantastic films opening this year (particularly with it being time for Oscar bait), but the one I’ve been waiting for the longest, Django Unchained, has definitely wound up being my favorite. Everyone knows I’m just a tad bit obsessed with Quentin Tarantino films. So much so, that I named my dog Beatrix Kiddo ala Kill Bill. While I may have named my most recent puppy Pixar, that doesn’t mean I’m not inclined to the rest of his films’ character names. And if I were to ever have a male dog, his name would be Django (“the D is silent”) after Jamie Foxx’s badass version of the character, originated by Franco Nero, unleashed in Django Unchained.

Beginning in 1858, two years before the Civil War, Django is shackled and chained being hauled away by his new owners, the Speck Brothers (James Remar and James Russo). Along comes another weary traveler by the name Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz). Schultz is a German dentist, retired and working in the States as a bounty hunter. He is currently looking for the Bittle Brothers — Big John (M.C. Gainey), Ellis (Doc Duhame), and Roger (Cooper Huckabee). Schultz knows Django knows who they are and acquires a violent bill of sale for Django so that he can point them out. Django knows what they look like after he and his wife Broomhilda von Shaft (Kerry Washington) were sold separately from their original “owners” Curtis Carrucan (Bruce Dern).

After taking down the Bittle Brothers on Big Daddy’s (Don Johnson), a run in with the country’s most disorganized pre-Ku Klux Klan group, and Schultz taking Django under his wing teaching him the tricks of his trade, they come to find out that Broomhilda has been sold to Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio). Candie owns the fourth biggest plantation in Mississippi called “Candyland,” where he makes money in slave Mandingo fighting. Now Django is on a mission to get back his wife and continue his new free life under the name Django “Freeman.” But things eventually go from bad to worse and it becomes a true fight to the finish against Candie and his gang of henchmen lead by Billy Crash (Walton Goggins), and Candie’s right hand man Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson).

Anyone who’s ever been to a Tarantino film knows what to expect from his excellently eclectic musical choices to a cult classics’ collection of supporting players. Keep your eyes peeled for Franco Nero himself, Tom Savini, Zoe Bell, and Jonah Hill; along with Michael Parks clearly playing a distant relative of his Earl McGraw from Kill Bill, Grindhouse, and From Dusk Till Dawn. Even clocking in at what could have seemed like a bloated, self-indulgent 165 minutes flies by thanks to his trademark banter and more intentional laughs than ever. This is as close to a full blown comedy as we may ever see from Tarantino, and it helps make Django Unchained his most accessible as well.

I won’t be surprised to find Waltz’s name getting called again at the upcoming Oscars with Tarantino writing another brilliant character for him after he won Best Supporting as Col. Hans Landa for Inglourious Basterds. And we could also see a few more Oscar nods, particularly in the way of cinematography courtesy Robert Richardson. Personally, I couldn’t wait to see how things moved along with Tarantino’s long-time collaborating editor Sally Menke having passed on. I have to give Fred Raskin his due for being more than up to the challenge.

Viewers be warned, however, the film is every bit as violent as you’d expect out of a Tarantino film, and along with the diatribes comes more use of the N-word than has been heard in film possibly ever. But don’t let any of this put you off; unfortunately, that’s just how things were back then. And only Tarantino could make slavery seem like fun. While Unchained may not necessarily be the best film of 2012, it’s definitely my favorite. Fun has a new name and it’s spelled D-J-A-N-G-O.

Photos courtesy The Weinstein Company

Movie Review: “Les Misérables” (2012)

Not a complete success, but fans will be thrilled.

*** ½ out of 5

157 minutes

Rated PG-13 for suggestive and sexual material, violence and thematic elements

Universal Pictures

Article first published as Movie Review: Les Misérables (2012) on Blogcritics.

Just to be clear about this, I like a good musical as much as the next guy… Okay, so most guys would never admit to being a fan of any sort of musical, but I do love films in general and just because something is a musical doesn’t mean it should be cut short. I even own a wide variety of them, ranging from Chicago to Moulin Rouge, Singing in the Rain to High Society, along with Rock of Ages, Little Shop of Horrors, and even Hairspray.

We all know some are way better than others, and some weren’t worth the accolades heaped upon them (I’m looking at you Dreamgirls). So when it came time to adapt a worldwide phenomenon such as Les Misérables, director Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech, another undeserving Best Picture winner if there ever was one) has himself quite a feat to overcome.

The story remains the same of course, with Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) being released from prison in 1815. It’s hate at first sight for Javert (Russell Crowe) who makes a personal vendetta to see that Valjean never stops fighting for his freedom. Valjean continues to fight his own instincts to keep from becoming a thief in the night, a dog on the run.

Fantine (Anne Hathaway) on the other hand is just trying to make a living to send to her daughter Cosette (Isabelle Allen) who’s under the lock and key of Madame Thénardier (Helena Bonham Carter) and Thénardier (Sacha Baron Cohen). Valjean first tries to rescue Fantine from her future as a prostitute and fails so he moves on to give Cosette the future her mother had, eventually leading to her growing up to be played by Amanda Seyfried. Meanwhile, the French Revolution is in full swing with Marius (Eddie Redmayne) leading the way, Éponine (Samantha Barks) sealing the requisite love triangle, and the Thénardiers are hot on Cosette’s and Valjean’s heals.

Director Hooper does just about the best job you can finally bringing a film adaptation of the beloved stage musical version of Les Misérables, but it’s not without its warts. The opening CGI elements don’t set the appropriate mood; anyone who’s seen the commercials will know what I’m talking about. Were it not for the memorable humming playing over the visuals, you’d swear someone had talked Crowe into starring in a video game. Not to mention he’s given the Pierce Brosnan Mamma Mia! role of sticking out like a sore thumb by singing worse than anyone else in the whole production. Most of the film feels like it’s filmed on sets instead of having that open feeling it should have to give the city of France some room to breathe and become part of the story.

The cast does do a marvelous job considering Hooper’s decision to require everyone to act/sing live instead of recording the musical elements in a booth somewhere in Hollywood. This brings a far better sense of authenticity to the songs, especially considering the film is nonstop singing.

This type of musical typically starts to wear me down before it's over, but Les Mis thankfully only picks up speed as it moves along. Especially considering Bonham Carter and Cohen are essentially playing their Sweeney Todd characters. Will Les Misérables score some Oscar love? Maybe in the form of nominations; but will it win any? Hathaway and Jackman stand the best chance. As for the rest of the film, this is about as good as you’re going to get and for the musical’s fans I’m sure that’s all they hoped for to begin with. At least it didn’t wind up being Les Terribles.

Photos courtesy Universal Pictures