Movie Review: "Gnomeo & Juliet"

The musical version from “Hot Fuzz” would make a better film than this.

Rated G
84 minutes
Touchstone Pictures
* out of 5

Article first published as Movie Review: Gnomeo and Juliet on Blogcritics.

William Shakespeare’s classic tale of star crossed lovers has been staged and filmed countless times. Whether it’s been kept simple and pure as with Franco Zeffirelli’s “Romeo and Juliet” or modernized in Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo + Juliet,” there’s always room for another adaptation right? Or maybe not. Well, now the director of the best “Shrek” (“2”) has gone and neutered the Bard’s tale in a G-rated family version featuring feuding garden gnomes and R-rated film references in his “Gnomeo & Juliet.”

I have to admit, looking at the laundry list of director Kelly Asbury’s credits gave me a slight case of hope that this would be the underdog animated feature of the early dumping grounds of February. I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. After hearing the film’s own behind the scenes tale about this being originally made for Miramax films and John Lasseter not being happy to be releasing the film at all (under Buena Vista’s Touchstone Pictures no less) should tell you something. Knowing how long Miramax and Disney have been split should give you an even better understanding behind the scrutiny (this happened clear back in 2005).

So alas, in “Gnomeo & Juliet,” we find said feuding “blue” and “red” gnomes amongst the gardens of single-old-folks-sharing-a-duplex Capulet and Montague living bickeringly on Verona Drive. The story maintains most of the original elements but seems hellbent on driving home its own modernizations including references to “American Beauty,” “Borat” and even “Brokeback Mountain.” I know studios want to keep parents entertained during these dismal kids’ affairs but they should know better than to include these kinds of film references, not to mention a character named “Shroom” along with penis and testicle jokes.

With seven screenwriters in tow, including Asbury himself, it’s no wonder that nothing gels. In an entire 84 minutes there are two jokes that work. 1) a reference to the famous line, “Out out, damn spot,” and 2) a hilarious commercial for the lawnmowers of all lawnmowers, the Terrafirminator that comes out of nowhere and makes you forget what movie you’re sitting in for at least a minute or two. This so much better than the rest of the film you can’t help but wonder if it was the work of Pixar having the last laugh by adding something as spectacularly funny as this is.

While making references to other Shakespeare works proves a given, this commercial could have single handedly been shown on its own and warranted a theatrical release far greater than what poor James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Richard Wilson, Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Jason Statham, Stephen Merchant, Julie Walters, Patrick Stewart and poor Tigger/Pooh Bear himself Jim Cummings have been wrangled into here. When you see those names piled on top of the “celebrity” voices of Ozzy Osbourne, Hulk Hogan, and Dolly Parton, you can’t help but hang your head in shame for them all and the less said about the inclusion of producer Elton John’s classic songs the better.

So while January proved itself to be something of a blessing in disguise, I can’t help but feel that February is out to prove itself proud to be the land of films best forgot. Between this and last week’s “Sanctum,” it looks like the dreary late winter movie months is finally rearing its ugly head. However, there are still a few things coming our way shortly. Hopefully they can pick up the pieces of what “Gnomeo & Juliet” has wrought our way.

Photo courtesy Touchstone Pictures